Walking the Walk

            My wife and I have always tried to set a good example for our children.  In all honesty, my wife has usually been a lot more concerned about this than I have.  The last couple of years I have seen the wisdom of her ways.  We have always been honest, but in the last few years we have taken it to a new level that most people think is unnecessary.  While almost everyone goes to customer service, if they are over-charged for something, we go to customer service if we are under-charged or something is missed completely.  It never fails to amuse me that the clerks are always confused when we go up to counter and say, “We were under-charged (or not charged) for this item and we need to pay for it.”  Undoubtedly some people, who read this, will think we are foolish.  I believe to do otherwise is stealing from the store. 

            This need to walk the walk can sometimes really put a crimp in my life.  My favorite fast food restaurant is Chick-Fil-A.  They have great sandwiches, waffle fries and their service is impeccable.  I recently discovered they also have a history of providing substantial financial support to anti-gay organizations.  My brother is married.  He married his husband a few years ago.  He got married in Germany.  Getting married in Delaware was not an option at that time (I am proud to say that Delaware now has a Civil Union law).  I have a number of good friends who are gay.  I know that we should be embarrassed that we do not guarantee equality to gay, lesbian and transgender people.  I know much as we are embarrassed by our history of discrimination towards African-Americans, we will be embarrassed by our treatment of GLBT people.  I know that even though I love Chick-Fil-A sandwiches, I love my brother more.  I know that as much as I respect that all Chick-Fil-A restaurants are closed on Sundays, I respect my gay friends more.  I know that I will miss eating at Chick-Fil-A, but not as much as I miss not being able to attend at my brother’s wedding.  I know that the loss of the few visits I made every month will not make a difference to their bottom line, but I know if I convince you to stop visiting Chick-Fil-A and you convince your friends to stop and they convince their friends and their friends and their friends that we can affect their bottom line.  Our friends and family who are gay deserve our support.  The businesses that choose to support organizations that want to perpetrate discrimination in America don’t deserve our business dollars.  I hope that you will walk the walk with me.  

Funny Birth Story

            It has taken me almost a week longer than I wanted to put these words down on paper.  I wanted to revisit and share some wonderful and funny memories of my wife and the birth of our son, so here goes.

            Some of my most important, most treasured memories are of the births of my children.  It helps that my middle 2 children were uneventful pregnancies and deliveries.  It also helps that, to my perspective, there were some very funny situations during the deliveries. 

            When Sabrina went into labor with our son, James, she was in her Toyota Celica- yes than means her water broke in the car.  We will return to that later, in the mean time, we go to the hospital just as Sabrina did on that day in late July 1994.  She just drove across town to the hospital and was admitted to maternity.  This was before the days when cell phones were ubiquitous so it was a couple of hours before I made it to the hospital.  Sabrina was in her second hour of labor and everything was progressing as it should-at least we thought so, but a funny little gremlin was already in the mix.  The most important thing that takes place during labor is the opening of the cervix, which serves as a locked gate.  The cervix opens allowing the baby to be born naturally.  There are a number of things that can affect the speed and amount that the cervix opens (i.e. strength of contraction, walking, medication).  It is best when the contractions and a little walking get the cervix to fully open to the 10 centimeters generally required for natural child-birth.  Sabrina was experiencing very strong contractions and was walking up and down the hall.  Strangely, when she walked it lessened the strength of the contractions and her cervix would stop opening.  It took several hours to figure this out (you moms out there will appreciate how bad it is to unnecessarily extend labor).  We are now over 12 hours into her labor and I am getting hungry, Sabrina is sleeping (as much as she can while in labor), so I slip out to get a sandwich.  I didn’t want to miss the delivery of my son so I brought my meatball sub back to the hospital.  Imagine my surprise when Sabrina was less than pleased with my eating a meat ball sub in front of her, when she wasn’t able to eat herself. 

            At this point Sabrina has been in labor for over 24 hours and her OB was a little concerned about the rate of progress with her cervix opening.  He started her on Pitocin to “help” her cervix open faster.  He is also concerned about Sabrina being too tired to be able to assist with the delivery.  To help with that, he gives her a sedative to help her rest.  This is when the labor became its funniest.  I am sitting in a chair reading and watching Sabrina.   She is in a reclined position with her head back and facing to the left.  Every 2 minutes a contraction hits and it lasts 30 seconds.  As a contraction hits she begins to slowly move the position of her head from facing left to facing right.  This transition lasts for the duration of the contraction.  When the next contraction hits, the process is repeated in the opposite direction.  This went on for hours, back and forth, back and forth.  It was like she was watching a tennis game in slow motion.  It still makes me chuckle, my wife not so much.  (Sabrina, please don’t be too mad).  

            Happily after 34 hours our son was born.  His head did look a little like ET, but it quickly returned to a normal shape.  This is also where we return to Sabrina’s Celica.  James was born in late July.  It was the hottest time of the year in Delaware and Sabrina’s car was sitting in the parking lot with the doors and windows fully closed and the amniotic fluid soaking in the drivers seat.  At this point I went to move her car and the smell that hit me when I opened the door was as horrible as it was indescribable.  It was the last little gift from our labor gremlin.   We were able to get it clean, but up to the last day we had that car- on hot days it would smell funny.

            This is a very special and funny memory I have.  I hope it gave you a smile or chuckle.  It brightens my mood every time I think of it.

My Wife

            I have only mentioned my wife, Sabrina, in passing.  That will be rectified tonight.  Our being together is one of those complete fluke things.  We were both attending Del State (this is when it was still a college).  Sabrina was in the break/snack room in the lobby of the ETV Building and I stopped in to get a soda.  I have never been shy and, in shorts, she looked too good not to talk to.  I am lucky that I made it past the first few dates.  I missed our first date because something came up at my church and I just completely forgot about our plans.  The second date we were supposed to go out and I spent the entire evening playing with Anna.  (Quick note-Anna was 9 months old and I am the only Dad she has had because her bio-Dad denied Anna was his & then didn’t make the effort to have a relationship).  Sabrina says that the only reason I got a third date was because Anna really took to me.  That is all the background that is needed to set the stage.

            I believe that we get the person we need.  I tend to be a selfish person.  In balance, Sabrina is a very giving person and if she were not such a strong person-that would be a recipe for a horrible marriage.  I needed to be with someone who knew I was selfish and could handle it, even control it to a degree.  Sabrina was, and is, that person.  She is dedicated to the care of our family.  Her love, concern and sacrifice for our children is awe inspiring to me.  I love our children, but my demonstration of that love is lacking at times.  Sabrina is the living example of loving support that I need to help me be a better Dad.  When the children have to be disciplined, I tend to over-react and cause more trouble than originally existed with a problem.  Sabrina gently guides me to a point where I can (hopefully) help to improve the situation.  The level of understanding that Sabrina has of our children’s thoughts and motivations borders on side-show psychic.  The title, the job, that best defines Sabrina is Mom.  It also means the most to her.  I am lucky and thankful she has made the job of wife number 2. 

            I have watched Sabrina go through incredible heart break (that is a story for another day) and she comes through stronger than before.  She is like a diamond.  The pressure gives her incredible strength and beauty.  My fear is that like a diamond, her strength may also be marked by brittleness.  A blow from an unexpected angle may result in her shattering into a thousand pieces with no hope of ever putting her back together.  My inclination is to protect her from anything that may hurt her, but that doesn’t work.  What she needs is my love and support.  I can no more protect her from evil or hurtful situations than I can stop the rain from falling from the sky. 

            I have begun to make better, smarter choices that help to make her life better-more what she wants and needs.  I am trying to be less selfish.   I am trying to be the husband that she wants and needs.  Some days I do a great job.  Too often the example I give is how to be a bad husband..  The successes that I have in business, as a Dad, as a husband and even as a son occur more often because of the help, love, and guidance of my wife.  She deserves the best I have to offer.  Unfortunately, too often my best is lacking. 

            Sabrina, thank you for you love, patience and forgiveness.  

Dadhood

            My wife & I have 4 children.  Only 2 of whom are still under our roof.  I used to think that the more experience I got as a Dad, the easier it would become and the better I would be at doing this very most important of all my jobs.  I was wrong.  I was very, very wrong.  The challenges of fatherhood easily match any growth in my wisdom or ability as a Dad. 

            When my children were little my greatest challenge was convincing them I could  perform actual magic by making quarters appear out of thin air, fix almost any broken toy and hold my breath under water long enough to really scare them.  My challenges have grown to include a son skipping classes (some how still passed his classes), my 18 year old daughter with a much older boy friend (thank God – already broken up) and a child with no idea of the importance of respect for her elders.  Fortunately everything has been able to work out with no major or lasting problems.

            Even with these problems, I have been lucky with my kids.  We are getting through these problems with no major or lasting damage.   The kids are learning that while our love is unconditional, there are limits to what we accept regarding their behavior.  They have learned there are consequences to their actions.   I have learned (or maybe been reminded) that many mistakes that kids make won’t kill them or ruin their lives.  They have learned that their Dad (& Mom) is smarter than they thought.  I have learned that they are both dumber and smarter than I thought. 

            It’s funny, 18 years of being a Dad and many times I feel less capable as a Dad than I did when I started.  I have figured out that I won’t really know if I am successful as a Dad until my own children have children.  Here’s to hoping that I am a good Dad.

            On the Eve of Mother's Day, I want to take this opportunity to thank my wife for everything she has done as Mom to our children.  She makes me a much better Dad.  Thank you Honey-I love you.

My Faith Life

            I thought I should take the opportunity to write about something that crosses over all aspects of my life.  I am proud and happy to tell people about my faith life.  I have been raised as a Christian.  My entire faith life has been as a Lutheran.  The first church I attended was Holy Cross Lutheran in Memphis, Tennessee.  It was also the first school I attended.  Every Wednesday morning there was a service for the students.  I don’t remember anything about the services or the theology, but I don’t have any bad memories.  That is an important function of a church, in addition to spreading the word of God; we have to make the church a desirable and welcoming place for children.  Psalm 98 “Make a joyful noise unto the Lord” and I can’t think of anything more joyful than the sound of children laughing and having fun.  I am so happy and proud that my church, Reformation Lutheran Church in Milford, DE.  We are very welcoming of all people that want to come and worship Jesus.  We welcome small children into our church and services.  A baby crying is not a disruption to a service, it is an accruement.  I am proud that our national church, Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, has voted to ordain homosexual pastors (single or in a committed relationship).  Many people think this is a mistake and against the word of God.  I believe it is the embodiment of God’s love and acceptance. 

            It appears that I was all over the board in the opening paragraph, but after the initial biographical information there is a theme.  A loving and welcoming church is very important to sharing the word of God.  All people must feel welcome and loved in a church.   Every church is not for every person.  Whether the theology or the Pastor or the time the services are celebrated, there are no shortage of reasons why someone won’t like a church, but a church needs to make every effort to share God’s love with everyone who enters the church to praise Jesus and ask for his forgiveness.  I try to bring that spirit of acceptance and loving forgiveness to my personal life.  I fail more often than I like to admit or think.  I hope the life I live, the example I provide is supportive of demonstrating God’s love and forgiveness.    I know that my salvation is through the grace of Jesus, my Savior and not through any acts on my part.

            If you don’t attend a church, I invite you visit Reformation in Milford.  If you don’t live in southern Delaware, then pick a church near you and give it a try.  I think you will be surprised at the peace and comfort that God and Jesus can bring to your life.