I'm Back. A Decade Later.

 Well, it's been a while.  Almost a decade.  Life happens.  I allowed my life to get in the way of my writing.  I lost contact with the release and connection to others that writing gives me.  I lost the chance and ability to have a more objective view at my own life. 
The last 10 months have been devastating and instructive.  3 June 2021 I had a stroke.  To be more accurate, now that we have a more complete picture, I had a seizure.  Then I fell and broke my skull in two places resulting in a stroke, and broke my left wrist (which necessitated surgery that gave me a titanium plate and 10 titanium screws in my wrist). I spent a week in ICU and 3 weeks in a rehab center.  I then spent 2 months sleeping 18 hours a day before being approved for a part-part time return to work.  I  argued for full-time but was denied. I can't remember a time I was happier to be wrong.  It was 3 more weeks before I close to being ready for full-time. I made it until 1 March 2022 when I had another seizure.  Bonus, it was identified as a seizure.  Then, the 3 June 2021 event was diagnosed as a seizure (which resulted in a stroke - it's complicated).  Only 3 days in the hospital that time.  But it did result in a few steps back in my stamina. Well it's a loss of stamina or the new meds for seizure prevention - or maybe both. Either way, I have to get more sleep than I did previously. 
I written about Anna before and she re-enters now.  Anna (my oldest daughter) and serendipity are closely assimilated in my life.  I moved to Alabama (yeah, I know this is new info but you'll have to wait for that information) at her request.  I was, and am, so happy to have move here to be closer to her.  I just didn't know it would save my life (and that's another story).  But here I am.  More to follow, giving some of the missing decade and important points of my life I am willing to share.  
If I may, please let me know what you think. Good, bad or indifferent. Are you glad I'm here/back or do you wish me dead.  I'd like to know.  No condemnation or judgement from me - let me know what you think. If nothing else, it helps me.

Life Goes On

     I've been single for over a year and I'm just beginning to put my life back together.  My apartment still looks like I'm a 20 year old college student, but I'm working on improving that.  Since I was laid off my day job a month after my split, finances have been tough.  Things are getting better, but it takes time.  I'm working to pay off all my debt and I'm intent on paying cash for any new furniture, so...it's going to take some time.   My ex is having some money troubles and even though our marriage is over, I am unwilling to just sit by and watch her end up on the street.  To begin with, my daughter lives with her and beyond that we had 17 years together.  I can't find it in myself to not help her.  I know that our marriage is over, and I have less then no desire to be back with her, but I feel an obligation.  As long as I am able to help her, I will help.  I continually question whether it is a good idea.  To date, I have not come to a definitive answer.  Once I do, the help may end.

     

      The title of today's blog is "Live Goes On" and a few months ago I made a big step in going on.   I went on a date with someone I used to work with.  We went out for a couple months.  Even though I liked her, I didn't love her and I knew that I did not want and was not in a position (emotionally) to get into a serious relationship.  All that said, the sex was incredible.  I can honestly and easily say it was the best sex of my life.  I have never been with someone who was so aware of what I wanted (and then did or allowed me to do that).   We were incredibly well-paired in the bed.  After a couple of months, I realized that I felt guilt when I decided to spend time with my children rather than go out with her.  That was not what I wanted nor where felt I should put myself (or her), so I ended the relationship.   An important take away from the relationship is that I learned an attractive woman could find me attractive and desirable.  After the split, I wasn't so sure about that.  After the split, my self-confidence was greatly diminished.  Thankfully, I feel better about myself now.  

     My life goes on.  I'm going to be writing regularly now.  The focus of my blogs will be changing-at least in some of the blogs.  My efforts to establish some semblance of a personal social life and my attempts at a new career.  

     If you have followed me in the past - thank you for your patience.  I hope that my future blogs prove worthy of your wait.  

(Please forgive any misspellings or grammatical errors.  I did not let it sit for a day and then come back to it as I have always done in the past to help make the posts more reader friendly and less likely to annoying errors.  I need to jump back in and putting this aside for a day didn't seem to match up with the desire to get back to writing.)  Please let me know what you think.

Who Am I Now?

Who Am I Now?

            Well…..where to begin.  So much in my life as changed in the last 9 months that I don’t think that I should even try to cover all of it in one blog.  Okay, let’s begin with the most important events in my life.  In my last blog, of November 3, 2011, I talked about my failure as a husband and my prayer to correct them.  I wasn’t able.  I am now a single Dad.  It still hurts to say that.  In early April of this year my wife told me that it wasn’t working for her and we had to separate.  A few weeks later I am in a 2 bedroom apartment with my son.  My wife and I got apartments in the same complex so the children could see each other and we could spend a lot of time with the kids with no problem.  I’m still not 100% sure being that close was a good idea.  Well that is where I am now.   I am legally separated from my wife.  For all purposes of law (short of marriage to another) I am a single person.  This was/is a seismic change in my life.

            I always believed that my marriage would last until one of us was dead…guess this was the attempt by my wife to save my life.  From what she has said, if we hadn’t separated, she might have killed me.  Okay, that was over the top and it unfairly maligns my wife.  The failure of my marriage was as much my fault as hers.  I was willing and able to keep going because I was working 80 hours/week and didn’t have the energy to notice or deal with the problems in our relationship.

            I haven’t changed the title of my blog, yet.  That will occur soon…just haven’t had the emotional energy to do it yet.  I guess it is one of the last things that identifies me as a husband that I am holding onto.  I wore my wedding ring for about a month after my wife’s proclamation and I still keep it on my key ring.  It serves as a regular reminder of my failure as a husband.  Maybe it’s time I took it off my key ring….

My Failure. My Prayer.

            Hello there stranger!  It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you.  Yes, I know it’s my fault, but it’s nice to see you all the same.  With that in mind, here we go…

            My blog is titled, “My Life as a Dad, Husband & Son”.   One of those is completely involuntary.  One is semi-voluntary.  One is completely voluntary.  Recently I have become aware that I have that I have not been the husband that I should have been for my wife.  I am a selfish person.   I have known this for quite some time, but I didn’t realize just how selfish I have been.  My selfishness has been hurtful to my wife and to our marriage.  This saddens me more than I can say.  I have an unfortunate tendency to do what I want.  I listen to what my wife wants or needs and then I do what I want with little or no consideration to her.  Sometimes this is in small matters and other times rather important matters.  I make things worse by not communicating well with my wife.  This is a recipe for a failed marriage. 

            I hope and pray that I am not too late to save it, to rebuild it.  I know that I will have to make material changes to how I treat, behave and react to my wife and my children.  I have to fight to stop myself from opening my mouth and saying what has come naturally for years.  I have to open my mouth and say the things that have not come naturally for years.  I have to be patient.  I have spent years doing harm and it will take quite some time to undo that damage.  I will have to take a step back and let my wife find her way.  I will have to re-build the path that leads to us and pray that she is willing to walk back down a path that caused her pain in the past.  I will have to hope that there are enough good memories to make that journey worthwhile, desirable even. 

            No matter how this turns out, I will always regret the path I set for my wife and our marriage.   It is my failure, now I offer this prayer.

            

Walking the Walk

            My wife and I have always tried to set a good example for our children.  In all honesty, my wife has usually been a lot more concerned about this than I have.  The last couple of years I have seen the wisdom of her ways.  We have always been honest, but in the last few years we have taken it to a new level that most people think is unnecessary.  While almost everyone goes to customer service, if they are over-charged for something, we go to customer service if we are under-charged or something is missed completely.  It never fails to amuse me that the clerks are always confused when we go up to counter and say, “We were under-charged (or not charged) for this item and we need to pay for it.”  Undoubtedly some people, who read this, will think we are foolish.  I believe to do otherwise is stealing from the store. 

            This need to walk the walk can sometimes really put a crimp in my life.  My favorite fast food restaurant is Chick-Fil-A.  They have great sandwiches, waffle fries and their service is impeccable.  I recently discovered they also have a history of providing substantial financial support to anti-gay organizations.  My brother is married.  He married his husband a few years ago.  He got married in Germany.  Getting married in Delaware was not an option at that time (I am proud to say that Delaware now has a Civil Union law).  I have a number of good friends who are gay.  I know that we should be embarrassed that we do not guarantee equality to gay, lesbian and transgender people.  I know much as we are embarrassed by our history of discrimination towards African-Americans, we will be embarrassed by our treatment of GLBT people.  I know that even though I love Chick-Fil-A sandwiches, I love my brother more.  I know that as much as I respect that all Chick-Fil-A restaurants are closed on Sundays, I respect my gay friends more.  I know that I will miss eating at Chick-Fil-A, but not as much as I miss not being able to attend at my brother’s wedding.  I know that the loss of the few visits I made every month will not make a difference to their bottom line, but I know if I convince you to stop visiting Chick-Fil-A and you convince your friends to stop and they convince their friends and their friends and their friends that we can affect their bottom line.  Our friends and family who are gay deserve our support.  The businesses that choose to support organizations that want to perpetrate discrimination in America don’t deserve our business dollars.  I hope that you will walk the walk with me.  

Funny Birth Story

            It has taken me almost a week longer than I wanted to put these words down on paper.  I wanted to revisit and share some wonderful and funny memories of my wife and the birth of our son, so here goes.

            Some of my most important, most treasured memories are of the births of my children.  It helps that my middle 2 children were uneventful pregnancies and deliveries.  It also helps that, to my perspective, there were some very funny situations during the deliveries. 

            When Sabrina went into labor with our son, James, she was in her Toyota Celica- yes than means her water broke in the car.  We will return to that later, in the mean time, we go to the hospital just as Sabrina did on that day in late July 1994.  She just drove across town to the hospital and was admitted to maternity.  This was before the days when cell phones were ubiquitous so it was a couple of hours before I made it to the hospital.  Sabrina was in her second hour of labor and everything was progressing as it should-at least we thought so, but a funny little gremlin was already in the mix.  The most important thing that takes place during labor is the opening of the cervix, which serves as a locked gate.  The cervix opens allowing the baby to be born naturally.  There are a number of things that can affect the speed and amount that the cervix opens (i.e. strength of contraction, walking, medication).  It is best when the contractions and a little walking get the cervix to fully open to the 10 centimeters generally required for natural child-birth.  Sabrina was experiencing very strong contractions and was walking up and down the hall.  Strangely, when she walked it lessened the strength of the contractions and her cervix would stop opening.  It took several hours to figure this out (you moms out there will appreciate how bad it is to unnecessarily extend labor).  We are now over 12 hours into her labor and I am getting hungry, Sabrina is sleeping (as much as she can while in labor), so I slip out to get a sandwich.  I didn’t want to miss the delivery of my son so I brought my meatball sub back to the hospital.  Imagine my surprise when Sabrina was less than pleased with my eating a meat ball sub in front of her, when she wasn’t able to eat herself. 

            At this point Sabrina has been in labor for over 24 hours and her OB was a little concerned about the rate of progress with her cervix opening.  He started her on Pitocin to “help” her cervix open faster.  He is also concerned about Sabrina being too tired to be able to assist with the delivery.  To help with that, he gives her a sedative to help her rest.  This is when the labor became its funniest.  I am sitting in a chair reading and watching Sabrina.   She is in a reclined position with her head back and facing to the left.  Every 2 minutes a contraction hits and it lasts 30 seconds.  As a contraction hits she begins to slowly move the position of her head from facing left to facing right.  This transition lasts for the duration of the contraction.  When the next contraction hits, the process is repeated in the opposite direction.  This went on for hours, back and forth, back and forth.  It was like she was watching a tennis game in slow motion.  It still makes me chuckle, my wife not so much.  (Sabrina, please don’t be too mad).  

            Happily after 34 hours our son was born.  His head did look a little like ET, but it quickly returned to a normal shape.  This is also where we return to Sabrina’s Celica.  James was born in late July.  It was the hottest time of the year in Delaware and Sabrina’s car was sitting in the parking lot with the doors and windows fully closed and the amniotic fluid soaking in the drivers seat.  At this point I went to move her car and the smell that hit me when I opened the door was as horrible as it was indescribable.  It was the last little gift from our labor gremlin.   We were able to get it clean, but up to the last day we had that car- on hot days it would smell funny.

            This is a very special and funny memory I have.  I hope it gave you a smile or chuckle.  It brightens my mood every time I think of it.

My Wife

            I have only mentioned my wife, Sabrina, in passing.  That will be rectified tonight.  Our being together is one of those complete fluke things.  We were both attending Del State (this is when it was still a college).  Sabrina was in the break/snack room in the lobby of the ETV Building and I stopped in to get a soda.  I have never been shy and, in shorts, she looked too good not to talk to.  I am lucky that I made it past the first few dates.  I missed our first date because something came up at my church and I just completely forgot about our plans.  The second date we were supposed to go out and I spent the entire evening playing with Anna.  (Quick note-Anna was 9 months old and I am the only Dad she has had because her bio-Dad denied Anna was his & then didn’t make the effort to have a relationship).  Sabrina says that the only reason I got a third date was because Anna really took to me.  That is all the background that is needed to set the stage.

            I believe that we get the person we need.  I tend to be a selfish person.  In balance, Sabrina is a very giving person and if she were not such a strong person-that would be a recipe for a horrible marriage.  I needed to be with someone who knew I was selfish and could handle it, even control it to a degree.  Sabrina was, and is, that person.  She is dedicated to the care of our family.  Her love, concern and sacrifice for our children is awe inspiring to me.  I love our children, but my demonstration of that love is lacking at times.  Sabrina is the living example of loving support that I need to help me be a better Dad.  When the children have to be disciplined, I tend to over-react and cause more trouble than originally existed with a problem.  Sabrina gently guides me to a point where I can (hopefully) help to improve the situation.  The level of understanding that Sabrina has of our children’s thoughts and motivations borders on side-show psychic.  The title, the job, that best defines Sabrina is Mom.  It also means the most to her.  I am lucky and thankful she has made the job of wife number 2. 

            I have watched Sabrina go through incredible heart break (that is a story for another day) and she comes through stronger than before.  She is like a diamond.  The pressure gives her incredible strength and beauty.  My fear is that like a diamond, her strength may also be marked by brittleness.  A blow from an unexpected angle may result in her shattering into a thousand pieces with no hope of ever putting her back together.  My inclination is to protect her from anything that may hurt her, but that doesn’t work.  What she needs is my love and support.  I can no more protect her from evil or hurtful situations than I can stop the rain from falling from the sky. 

            I have begun to make better, smarter choices that help to make her life better-more what she wants and needs.  I am trying to be less selfish.   I am trying to be the husband that she wants and needs.  Some days I do a great job.  Too often the example I give is how to be a bad husband..  The successes that I have in business, as a Dad, as a husband and even as a son occur more often because of the help, love, and guidance of my wife.  She deserves the best I have to offer.  Unfortunately, too often my best is lacking. 

            Sabrina, thank you for you love, patience and forgiveness.